I need to vent a little...actually—I need a HUGE venting session right now and what better way to do that then by writing out my feelings and sharing them with the world? Writing is my therapy I'm sure some of you will be able to relate to how crushed and bruised my feelings are right now.
It seems with each passing day, more and more assholes appear in my life. These are the people that are great at making you think they care and treasure your friendship, except the only interest is in themselves. The only time they seem to be remotely interested in others, really is to find out the latest gossip to make sure the lives their living appear normal.
I don't consider these people to be so much ignorant as I do just plain a-holes. Ignorance is simply not knowing about something, being ignorant isn't about not knowing that you don't know. They're very much aware of what they're doing and could care the least how it makes others feel. It's like they simply don't acknowledge human behavior what-so-ever. They know the truth, but choose to ignore it—the "rules" don't apply to them I guess.
These cold-hearted individuals are unkind to people who treat them better than they actually deserve and that's what makes these people even worse—they know it and don't care. They blow you off or better yet, make detailed plans with you, only to blow you off anyways. They blatantly lie to your face, thinking that their poorly conceived excuses are legitimate enough to pull a fast one over on you. And let's not forget about false hopes and completely breaking your heart into a million pieces.
Why can't these people open their eyes and just be emotionally functioning human beings? Does being a flat out jerk to others who don't deserve it in anyway, make them feel better in their own messed up way? I couldn't tell you because I'm not an asshole.
Of course, you'll always come across people that'll say, " Oh, I know you're hurting inside, but just do the right thing and be the better person." Well, maybe I'm fed up with ALWAYS being the better person in every situation. Maybe being this so-called "better person" is the exact reason for being slapped in the face and walked on (so to speak) so many times.
At first, I debated even writing this post to avoid hurting others feelings. Then I thought, "Nah, why am I trying to spare these a-holes their feelings when they could careless about mine? Sometimes the truth hurts, these people need to be confronted with their shitty ways and hopefully in doing so will help set me free. So with that said, I vent to you one of my hardest confessions.
It takes a great deal of heartache to make me admit publicly that I encountered one of the worst experiences of my adult life.
It's always been a dream of mine to have the ultimate Halloween party once we had our own house. Halloween's my favorite holiday. Everyone who knows me, knows I'm a Halloween fanatic, I'm not shy about that fact.
I chose October 15th to host our Halloween bash in hopes that it was scheduled early enough in the month of October to avoid conflicts with a million other Halloween parties. I designed the invites and sent them to my guests a month in advance. A month is plenty advance notice right? At least that's what I thought—I couldn't have been more wrong.
At first a few RSVP's trickled in and I thought to myself, "Awesome Sauce! Planning in advance is really paying off! Woo-hoo for me!"
I unpacked all my Halloween decorations I've collected over the years (some of them bought or made specifically for this particular grand occasion.) I bought more decorations to create the ultimate haunted house. I even made some really great Halloween decorations as well. I could tell my Halloween spirit was rubbing off on my husband because he kept coming home from work with awesome outdoor Halloween decorations.
Since we were planning on an indoor party, I figured it'd be a good idea to start decorating my home a week prior to the party. I was trying to make every effort to get things done, so I didn't have to leave things to the last minute. My husband, three-year-old and I spent a beautiful Friday night setting up our outdoor decor.
As the date of the party got closer, I had more people RSVP stating that they would be attending the party. I was thrilled!
My son wanted to be Batman this year and asked me to be his rival, The Joker. So, of course I diligently worked on my costume. As for my hubby, my son asked him to be The Hulk.
The day of the party rolled around, my husband and I finished last minute preparations. The party was set for 7:30 pm. Around 5:30 pm, I jumped in the shower, gathered my costume, makeup, accessories, and started my transformation into The Joker. It took me an hour to complete just my makeup. As I was finishing getting ready, my husband got our son in his costume and then transitioned himself into an amazing Hulk! All three of us looked great and we were more than ready to party!
Seven-thirty quickly approached and while we waited for our guests to start arriving, we took pictures to help us remember what we hoped would be a memorable evening. Just before eight, our first few guests arrived, a half-hour later a couple more guests. I started getting a sick feeling in my stomach because I knew more people should have been there at this point.
Nine o'clock came and I finally had to face my worst nightmare, no one else was coming. There we were dressed from head to toe—Little Batman, The Hulk & The Joker. Out of the handful of guests that came, only three were dressed in costume (two of which were children). I felt defeated and I felt like an absolute jackass to put it mildly (how could I not?) I went through weeks of planning, the money I spent and barely no one shows—WTF!
Now don't get me wrong, I couldn't have been more grateful for each and every one of my friends who actually showed up to the party, whether they were wearing a costume or not. There's one friend in this bunch that has always managed to make it to every single get together I have and I really hope they know how much that truly means to me (you know who you are).
Everyone made the most of it and still managed to have a good time (especially the little ones), but there was still somewhat of an unspoken awkwardness that floated in the air. My guests felt bad, they knew I was hurt.
As for myself, I couldn't wait for the party to end—I was just done. I felt embarrassed and stupid the entire time, I couldn't enjoy myself. It literally took everything I had to hold back my tears at any given moment during the party—I had been utterly humiliated.
I had invited slightly over 30 guests and 22 stated that they would be attending, which leaves the rest as "maybe's", "not able to attend", or no response at all (how convenient). I get it, shit happens, unplanned situations come up at the last minute—believe I know. I just couldn't stop wondering why people RSVP'd only to never show up and to make matters worse, not even let us know. It was brought to my attention that some of the guests decided to make some last minutes changes to their plans and that's what I find the most troublesome— when people don't even have the common decency to let me know whether they can make it or not. There's no way around it, no matter how you look at the situation...it's RUDE!
When the night was over, I showered, got in the coziest PJ's I own, waited until my husband and son fell asleep and that's when I burst into tears. I cried like a child—how sad is that?
I couldn't stop, the tears just kept coming and you know what? I let them, I needed to cry out all the hurt and humiliation my heart was holding.
A few days have passed since the party, it's still hard for me to wrap my mind around the whole situation. One thing that I can take from this horrible situation—it truly opened my eyes and effected the way I've planned on choosing and keeping "friends". I won't allow myself to trust someone's word anymore. At this point, the only way I'll trust someone's words is after they've proven themselves trust worthy. I don't expect anything from anyone anymore and that's where I went wrong in the first place. I shouldn't rely on anyone else for my own happiness.
It's also worth noting that I've come to realize that I shouldn't feel stupid or humiliated for other people's shitty ways, they should be the one's feeling stupid and humiliated.
I really hope that no one ever has to experience or feel the way I felt and still feel. No one should ever have to feel alone and hurt as much as I have. You live and you learn, some of us just have to learn the hard way unfortunately.
Have you ever experienced a similar situation? If so and you're comfortable sharing your experience, tell me your story in the comments below, send me an email to email@example.com, or contact me via my contact page. I need to know I'm not the only out there experiencing this. I guess it helps knowing you're not alone.